Taltalnen's Diary
by Taltalnen
Summary: Ah, who knows what horrors dwell in the minds of the Nazgul? Well, now you can find out, because I happen to have the diary of Taltalnen, ringwraith8. Beware wraiths have dirty minds. Based on a serial comic I drew a few years ago.
1. Chapter 1

I do not own LotR or Ringwraiths, but the personalities of Taltalnen and the others are all of my own invention)

Taltalnen's Diary: Keep Out.

Note from The Artist: I found this diary in my house after the holidays, crammed deep into the gash in my television set (drunken idiots with big pointy weapons do not mix well with technology). I would have edited it for the foul content, but then there would be nothing left. I believe I shall blackmail Taltalnen with it…

Day One:

My therapist says I should start this diary as a way to release my inner anxieties and lower my stress level. My job is very stressful, and I have a stressful workplace- what with my coworkers and my boss and all. Lately I've been getting ill, so my supervisor sent me to his therapist. I haven't kept a diary since back when I was a sweet young thang of twenty (I was sexy!) so I might be a little rusty. Um, how to begin… I did pretty much nothing today- hung around the house, played a few video games with Rhûwin and Mordacil, and then hung around the cafeteria, waiting for dinner. It was my favorite night of the week, taco nite. Uh… that's all there is, there ain't no more. Bye.

(sorry it's so short. Please, review me!)


	2. Chapter 2

more diary entries, enjoy and give me feedback. Sorry for the sickness, but hey, it's Taltalnen, not me!

Day Two:

Joy oh joy, my love and the idol of my affections came over today! Well really I went out and picked him up. Of course that little hoochie he was with wasn't too happy about it(I honestly do NOT know what he sees in her, she's such a b$), and neither were his stupid friends- get this, they called me a stalker; ME, a STALKER! Just because I obsessively follow him and have a shrine deedicated to him in my room it does NOT make me a STALKER!!! -but who cares about that um let me get back to you on that one I'll have to think on it oh wait NOT ME! Tch. Like I care what his friends think. I love him desperately and am NOT A STALKER!!!! so what does it matter what they think? So anyhow, I brought him back to my place (and the ropes and chains were his idea! Really! Anyhow, he looks SO HOT when he's bound and gagged, 'goodness gracious me, I think I'm gettin the vapors' type hot. Heh heh heh) and we had fun. You keep your mind out of the gutter! Just because we were …eh heh heh …locked up in my room for hours on end it doesn't mean anything more than a PG rating happened! We were… uh… playing a really good game of Monopoly! Yeah, that's it… Monopoly. Sure, if you want to say so. Board games. Well there was a board involved… heh heh heh. Until his friends (curse them to death, darkness and a lonely eternity in the Void) broke into my room and kidnapped him and took him away from me! No! My darling, precious Frodo-baby was snatched up in the middle of a game of Twister. He looked sad, I could tell. He was crying and laughing at the same time- poor thing, parting always makes him so hysterical. I miss him. I hope he calls. I've given him my number like a billion times, but he just keeps forgetting it! It's HER fault, that little whore who hangs out around him all the time. I wish her dress would catch on fire and roast her hairy little legs. Hmmm- pleasant thoughts. Anyhow, gotta go. Tonight is spaghetti night in the cafeteria, and Fuinur is saving me a seat! Lotsa love, Bye!


	3. Chapter 3

(more horribleness from Taltalnen! I love the idea of the Ringwraiths trying to commit suicide but being totally unable to.)

Day Three:

He hasn't called me. I feel so neglected, like a one-night-stand or something. sigh I wish I could see him now. You know, some days I would so try to kill myself if I wasn't already dead. Yeah, I tried that once, like a couple of months after I started staying invisible, and it didn't work. I was more depressed then, though. I had my Ring, and had killed off my cute little boyfriend to be with Sauron, and then he starts ordering me to do stuff, and after the three billionth time of washing his Corvette, I finally realize that I'm enslaved, and so then I try to go back to my own country, Harad, but he won't let me, so I got sooo homesick, and… and there wasn't anything good on TV that week… and I couldn't look at myself in the mirror anymore, so my favorite hobby was gone, and I just wasn't feeling "pretty, oh so pretty" right then, so I tried to kill myself by overdosing on lethal substances. Yep, that's right, I turned the TV to Lifetime and hid the remote from myself, and taped my hands to the couch so I couldn't get up and go. But what would have killed me only made me bored! It was horrible, sitting there, reliving all those bad memories, but then Fuinur came over, and we watched good movies (like Rocky Horror Picture Show, and The Birdcage, and anything with Leonardo DiCaprio in it) and we sang songs from Annie, and West Side Story, and I sang a beautiful rendition of "My Heart Will Go On" and it was so moving that all the Fell beasts were moaning, and I could hear the other seven crying. Even the glass windowpanes loved it so much that they couldn't take it, and shattered into a million tiny pieces. But the day ended on a dark note- It was Mystery Meat nite in the cafeteria, and I think I might have known the entrée.

(come on, you know you want to click on the review button!)


	4. Chapter 4

Day Four:

I really hate that guy, I really do. But he's my master, so what can I do about it? Nothing. So anyhow, today I had to go out to the Dark Tower and have a performance meeting with Sauron. I can't believe I ever liked him. So anyhow, I get there, put my fell beastie in the eyrie (her name's Buttercup, ain't it cute? Just like the chick off Princess Bride, my fave movie, or the tough girl from the Powerpuff Girls) walked up like 5 billion stairs cause all the elevators were out of order, (Note to Sauron: How do you expect to take over Middle earth if you can't even keep working elevators?????) and then had to sit in the stupid waiting room for hours and do nothing but read old 2nd age magazines before he could see me. So then I go into the meeting and he's like 'Taltalnen, your performance is down lately, blah blah blah, what the hell d'you think you've been doing, Taltalnen? blah blah blah, why haven't you gotten me that scrumptious hobbit-morsel I asked for a month ago, Taltalnen, blah blah blah, Isn't that Faramir kid hot, d'you think he'll go for me? blah blibbity blah blibbity blah blah blah!' Gosh, he never shuts up. Sorry, master, I uh haven't been able to get a good long hold of said hobbit-morsel yet because of his crazy psycho-b$ girlfriend who thinks she can draw, um, and NO, I do not think that Faramir is your type. He's more my type. You see, because the whole psycho-b$ girlfriend thing has had me down, I've been expanding by hobbies, (but never fear, Frodo dear, Faramir's only a boy toy; a mere appetizer. You're main course, soup, salad, and dessert all rolled into one, and when I get my hands on you, I'm gonna cover you in chocolate syrup and whipped cream and then… aaaaahh! Oh well, I'd, er, better not put that down. Khamûl's been trying to find my diary lately, and if he reads what I was going to say, he'd tease me for decades. He's so cruel)

Any how, back to subject matter, even though it's like impossible to think of now, I did use to like Sauron. Yeah, I know, I'm a ho, I have no taste or self respect. But he had a body back then, and BOY was it fine! Whenever he talks about our relationship now, I tell him that I'll do whatever he wants if he gets his hot body back, but then he tells me that since he owns me (you know, the whole ring-enslavement thing), he'll do whatever he wants with me anyhow. True. But I remember back when our relationship meant something. How could I not have been attracted to him? He gave me a Ring, the promise of incredible power and undying life and a ton of hickeys. Plus he was hot. In retrospect, however, it may not have been the best plan. Scratch that- it sucks. I am a 4000 year old single undead wraith enslaved to Sauron and (of all things), a Ring. Let me tell you, no one looks at you with a profile like that, unless it's the other eight. So anyhows and in conclusion, I HATE SAURON! Frodo would probably like me if not for the whole invisible creature of terror thing! (Of course, if I hadn't taken the Ring, I might not be alive now, so…) Oh well. I think I'll just go to the bar and cry quietly into my beer until I pass out. Goodbye.

(sorry for the language and alcohol abuse refrences)


	5. Chapter 5

(this entry is rated on the high end of T for refrences to drunken Nazgul parties. Yes, Taltalnen is creepy.)

Day Five:

Ow ow ow ow! I have the most wicked hangover… Last night I went to the bar, and I got into a drinking contest with Rhuwin and Mordacil, and then everyone else came down to see how plastered we were, and when I woke up this morning, I was handcuffed to a bed, wearing a dog collar and Angmar's underwear. I haven't the slightest clue as to what went on last night, but I think it was fun. I still can't find my underwear- and they were my favorites too- the cute lacy black set of panties that Sauron got me for Christmas last year. I know it was him, even though he insists that it was Santa Claws. (Y'know, Santa Claws? He rides in a big red siege engine pulled by nine fell beasties and hands out presents to all the evil littlle wraiths and Orcs. He wears all flaming red and shadowy black, cause he's a Balrog, geddit? Come on, Sauron, I am sooo three thoiusand years too old to still believe in Santa Claws.) Oh well. Angmar's underwear is sexy too- black silk boxer shorts with little spiders embroidered on them in black thread. I think I'll keep them and put 'em in the Taltalnen Museum o' Fun, along with Faramir's left boot, Sauron's sabaton(it's a kind if metal armor shoe) and the Holy Grail of the lot- Frodo's suspenders. Mmmm. I take those babies out every night before I go to sleep and smell them. It's a shame that hobbit's don't wear shoes, but they do just have the cutest little feet! They're cute-hairy, not ugly-hairy like every part of an Orc. I'd have to count but I think that feet are my most favorite fetish at the moment. Mmmm. Hobbit feet. Yum.


	6. Chapter 6

(alrighty then, I feel that I should explain somethings. As regards to the Ringwraiths' names, I do not follow Fanon, because I wrote this before I had internet access, and so made up my own names; Nazgul 1 Angmar (I figured that calling him by his place of supposed origin was as good as anything) Nazgul 2 Khamul, Nazgul 3 Herumor, Nazgul 4 Fuinur, Nazgul 5 Mordacil, Nazgul 6 Rhuwin, Nazgul 7 Iantacor, Nazgul 8 Taltalnen, Nazgul 9 Gorion All of my ringwraith names are made of elemets of Tolkien's languages, usually Adunaic or Quenya. The only ones I have any textual support for, however vague, are Khamul, Herumor, and Fuinur.)) 

Day Six: AAAAAAAAAACK!!!! I am so bored! I have been on the Tv, my video games, and the internet, and I am still bored. Wait, the internet… That gives me an awesome idea! Why don't I write fanfiction? Yes, that's perfect! I'll write fanfics. Hmmm. What'll I base it on? Oooh, how about… I know! I'll do a Harry Potter one! And I'll be a popular and talented student who inexplicably appears on Platform 9 and 3/4, so talented that as soon as I get there, I am bumped up to the fifth year because I somehow know like a ton of magic already. And even weirder- my Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher is the hottest I've ever seen, because by some miracle it is Frodo! So anyhow, the Slytherins have DATDA w/ Griffindor, so Harry and Malfoy and my precious Professor Frodo are all trying to get my attention. All the girls in the class are so jealous of me! They don't think it's natural that I get all the hot guys (I'm willing to bet that even a few of the girls like me, but I don't like girls. Guys are more my speed, if ya know what I mean, wink wink, nudge nudge, say no more!). I have to tell Harry, Malfoy, and Hermione that my love is given to the teacher. Any how, Frodo calls me into his office after the lesson, ahd he professes his love for me, and we are making out when Voldemort attacks. The Quidditch pitch gets turned into a battlefield, and my three boyfriends guard me until Voldemort comes through, and kills Hermione (cause you gotta have someone die!) and knocks out me and Harry, Malfoy, and Frodo and kidnaps us. he wants to kill us, but i'm too hot to kill, so Voldemort falls in love with me too, but I don't love him, so he gets angry and tries to kill me, but the students save me (unfortunately, They die too, w/Voldemort) so Frodo and I are so sad, we comfort each other, and when we wake up, we are here in my bed, in Minas Morgul, and he stays here forever, and I finally get to try out my Book of Fetishes. And Frodo kills off that bloody git Sauron, so I'm free, but he turns himself into a wraith for me, and my sexy little Frodo-wraith and I live happily ever after. The End! Oooh, wouldn't that be nice! Oh, if only fanfiction were real life. sigh but it's not. Aww, I feel all depressed now. I think I'm gonna take Buttercup out of the eyrie and go for a flight.

(sorry for the brief HP crossover, but it was just irresistible. so many crappy traditional fic possibilities. Please, feel free to review! This is the second-to-the-last entry in Taltalnen's horrible diary, so if you have any suggestions for the last one, include in the review!) 


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